I belong to that category of people who occasionally ditch all weekend plans, just to have some lonely, relaxing and self-time. I happen to like those quiet moments. I don’t feel detached. On the contrary, I feel more immersed in the beats of my life when there’s nothing but silence.
But then there are those days when loneliness starts haunting me!
I live in a city of millions. It’s famous, it’s roaring, it’s congested and occasionally suffocating, but it’s everything I knew I always wanted to live in.
It’s unusual to feel alone here. We’re never physically alone in Mumbai. And it’s good and soothing in its own, tangled way. Everyone in this city has their own schedules and lifestyles. It’s always so amusing to get a peek into someone else’s world and see how they do things differently than us, isn’t it!
Life is fast and Life is good! Mumbai and its crowd never fails to amaze me!
But amidst all this city noise, isn’t it strange how sometimes we seem to feel lonely even when we are surrounded by a known bunch of people?
We might already know people in this city; not everyone is an unfamiliar face, not everyone is a stranger. Maybe some of them even grew up with us in the same town. Maybe we already knew the city before we moved in and had made some trips to this place to explore it with friends. Maybe its not about the city being new and unknown! Maybe its not about the people being modern and urban than our town lifestyle. And Maybe its not about the diverse religion, mentality or culture.
The city, whether brand new or reasonably familiar, doesn’t really matter! We never know when the feeling of loneliness will creep in.
There are times when I feel alone at 3 pm on a Sunday afternoon. I feel lost and have nothing to do or think about! At times I feel alone even when I am surrounded by a groups of friends. I just wander leisurely while everyone else seems to be busy enjoying and connecting with each other. There are occasions when I leave my flat to socialize and end up feeling more disconnected than when I started. That was not supposed to happen!
Basically I feel the most lonely when I’m supposed to be feeling a bonding but I can’t. That’s the worst.
This feeling is largely different than being physically isolated. It’s more painful and confusing to feel lonely when we’re not actually alone. This loneliness doesn’t inspire peace and rhythm to life, like the self chosen lone-breaks. It’s dark and weakening, and doesn’t cause anything other than a lot of doubts.
I guess I will never understand how all of a sudden just like a wave, loneliness takes me over. I will never be able to comprehend that how in a single minute, I start feeling lost and lonely. I will never be able to figure out a way to escape these sudden outbursts of loneliness that overtake my heart and mind and leave me longing for a visit to my hometown.
I know it doesn’t make sense. There are millions of people out here!
But then I realize that maybe this is what people call as urban isolation. At first it all felt conflicting, but then now I have began to realize that it’s just inevitable.